When in doubt
by darkrogue1
Summary: year 1981, one deatheater beginns to doubt Voldemort's integrity.
1. When in doubt...

When doubting.  
  
  
  
...go to the library. No way. The answer was not in a book. This is not something one writes about in a book. There is a much simpler way : forget you ever doubted, don't think about it.  
  
Month of June, 1981.  
  
"So are you ready to believe anything? A Hogwarts teacher goes mad and you bring to me your fears that anything she said could be true?" The deatheaters all took a step backwards .  
  
"I am the most powerful wizard ever, and well on my way to immortality. I have nothing to fear from anyone ! Don't ever doubt me. Crucio." The newly recruited deatheater collapsed to the ground, writhing.  
  
This one would not last long, he had already made too much mistakes, either he would be catched by the ministry in the coming months, or he would be killed by The Dark Lord. Voldemort did not like failure, and above all, he did not like one challenging his powers.  
  
" But to prove you that you that you were wrong... I will personally kill the possibly dangers-to-be." The Curse ended, leaving the boy lying on the ground. "Make a list of the names." The boy still managed to nod, not too bad, perhaps would he last longer then.  
  
"My Lord, I am personally concerned." Interrupted the man standing in the front middle of the two rows of deatheaters.  
  
"I know my friend. Have no fear. According to what this fool claimed, the danger shall be coming from a child that would be Gryffondor at heart. Your son is the last likely to fit that description, isn't he Lucius?"  
  
"Yes, My Lord. Thank you."  
  
"Good, the same to you Crabbe, and you Goyle. You all are more likely to father Slytherins than a child that would go in any other house." And then he added, playing on the accents of the words, making each of them resound emphatically. "And after I have dealt with this little problem of yours that you think could be mine, I expect more trust from you. Don't ever doubt me."  
  
Doubt. As if one could doubt. There was absolutely no doubt in him. He had joined to fulfil his goal of making the world be ruled better. The muggleborns, the mudbloods were only causing mayhem in the wizarding world, mayhem indeed, they should not be able to get a wizarding education. Voldemort was only doing them justice. Muggleborns could not be trusted, here ,among the deatheaters only, he had found friends and understanding. Voldemort was the best thing ever to happen to the Wizarding World, after Paracelsus who was one of the first to bring method and logic into the complex art of brewing.  
  
1 Beginning of July 1981  
  
KcKinnon  
  
Prewett  
  
Potter  
  
Bones  
  
Longbottom  
  
Weasley  
  
.  
  
.Nothing to wonder about, there almost is one Weasley per year. The list is long, it is going to be the Slaughter of the Innocents .What ??  
  
He began to reread the list more slowly.  
  
KcKinnon  
  
Prewett  
  
Potter.  
  
Potter. So he had a child. A smile formed to his lips. And it is very likely to get him killed. Too bad. He smiled even more.  
  
A small voice at the back of his mind tried to intervene: you shouldn't think that after what he did for you, he sav...  
  
I HAVE the right to think that, especially after what he did TO me. her. Her child, it is her child too, she is in danger, he is totally unable to protect her, she will get hurt.  
  
What if so? She is a muggleborn after all.  
  
But it's Lily.  
  
I have a doubt there. I should not. I shall not. I have to sort this out. Never mind her, she didn't love me, I swore to myself to forget her. Here I have real friends. Do you?  
  
No, each deatheater followed his own ambitions, his own path to glory, they would betray if the price was high enough. He had no friends.  
  
Why would Voldemort kill babies, purebloods, or of two wizarding parents? Has he gone mad? If we want to decrease the amount of muggles among us, we should not diminish our ranks. That is mathematical.  
  
I have a doubt. What should I do? Do not, you swore obedience to Him. Do not think, obey.  
  
But I cannot stop thinking, there are enough idiots among us like that.  
  
"Don't ever doubt me."  
  
I do now.  
  
Right, think. Be logical. State facts.  
  
Voldemort is about to hurt Lily, who I still love.  
  
Damn FACTS, no feelings. Facts.  
  
I have joined the deatheater when she decided to live with Potter.  
  
Not relevant, if you mix things with her, you will not be able to think straight.  
  
I have joined Voldemort to help him make things right in the Wizarding World, to restore the purity of the Wizards, and wipe the Mudbloods out.  
  
That is a fact.  
  
I have now a doubt concerning.the morality of his beliefs and of his followers.  
  
(I have spent too much time not thinking, I have lost my hand at it.that I shall not let happen again)  
  
Now he is going to kill purebloods and children of witches and wizards, because a fool doubted his power. That is against all we are supposed to believe in.  
  
I don't have any beliefs anymore. I don't live for anything anymore. That is now clear.  
  
What should I do with that now? Logic. I believe Voldemort is now wrong since he does not act according to logic. I shall then do what is right and warn the wizards families.  
  
Who will believe you? You are from Slytherin.  
  
I will warn the Ministry of Magic. Not possible, they are not organised enough, and there are some of us, some deatheathers among them. Who could believe you AND be powerful enough to act accordingly to the situation, to protect these families.  
  
Dumbledore.  
  
That is clear, when in doubt, go to Dumbledore. 


	2. ...go to Dumbledore

He paced nervously in the main corridor before allowing himself up the stairs to the Headmaster's office . What he had come to say WAS important, but he had to spill all of it in one go, not forgetting anything ... as that was too painful ... and he would not get a second chance of coming back to tell the story again. Of course Dumbledore would listen to him, he always had, but he for once, would be the one who would not be able to respond the Headmaster's questions.   
The potion he had prepared this morning for Voldemort might just do the trick. Of course he would take the "antidote" first. He was not that much a masochist. Especially if he took it to escape the pain of life ... but no, that was not the same kind of pain, the one he could nearly not bear anymore was not physical. He had only realised that morning that Voldemort was wrong, that he was not logic, that he was not right. That took away his only goal. He would make things right, for Lily, then nothing would be requested from him anymore. He would be free to leave.   
Well, maybe Dumbledore would do him a favour and turn him to the Ministry, some Aurors would be keen on killing him.  
He climbed the stairs, wondering why nobody had noticed him yet. Well, the year had just ended, only the teachers were here anymore. They would not be here too much longer though.  
He paused in front of the gargoyle , the gars Goyle . Might be as stupid as well. And wondered if he could find the password.   
A waste of time. He decided against it, and knocked on it instead. It was not long before it stepped aside, letting him climb to Dumbledore's office. As he approached the door, he was greated by a warm voice. "Please come in Severus."  
  
Snape pushed the door and entered the Headmaster's office, nothing had changed since his last visit here...  
Dumbledore sat at his desk, and upon his entering looked up. As their gaze met, Snape could not find words anymore, he stood right here near the door, all prestence forgotten, his soul pouring through his eyes.  
"Headmaster..." he managed to croak.  
"Sit down Severus." Snape headed to the chair like an automaton, still struggling for words.   
Dumbledore just sat there, looking at him. His eyes were not the least twinkeling, they were as serious as that peculiar night, when he made him solemnely swear not to tell anyone Lupin's true nature, but they had also a hint of sadness, one that had not been there then. He seemed to already know why Snape had come here, but waited, ready to listen to anything the younger man might want to tell him. At that, Snape found his voice again.  
"Professor Dumbledore, I have come to tell you..." No, no need of circonvolutions, this was not Voldemort nor one of those fool in the Ministry.   
"I have come to warn you. I have joined the ranks of Voldemort's supporters about two years ago." He looked down at this hands, afraid of what he would see in those eyes that did not leave him. " One of us brought news of a prophecy that could have forseen his downfall... I believe you heard of it more than me." He looked up. Dumbledore just nodded, still listening, and therefore Snape was thankful, once he stopped, he might not be able to resume speaking.  
"He decided to kill all the children concerned. I have brought you the list." He extended a hand to put the parchement on the table.   
"Warn them, protect them. Voldemort is mad...those are Pu...they all are of wizarding parents." He fooled me he thought, why have I been listening to his promisses, I should have seen it coming all along. But you knew it, did you not? You knew Lily would be harmed anyway, remember you came to the Dark Lord searching for a vengence against her, her kind.   
"I recieved the list today, but there might not be much time. Voldemort is very likely to beginn straight away. He even casted his other planned attacks aside. I have written them down here as well." He put an other piece of writing next to the list.  
"I have made a mistake in joining them." His voice became pleading. " But please, please believe me and warn them..." As he looked up saying this, he stopped . Dumbledore's eyes were somber, that is true, but they were not condemning.   
"I believe you."  
The relief those words brought was immense. Snape sighted, thankful for Dumbledore trust.  
"But why have you come to me?" he asked softly.  
Snape's head jerked up again, panic making his way for his heart to his head. And in a hurry:  
"I've told you Professor, they will be killed if nothing's done. Lily'll be hurt. She'll be killed. I don't want that. I still lov..." The Headmaster had put a hand in the air, to stop, or at least slow down the speech, to calm the young man. A smile had spread across his face, and the twinckle had returned in his eyes.   
"I was merely asking why you did not go to the Ministry, Severus."  
  
  
To be continued. 


	3. tell me you will be there

Snape felt sudenly like an idiot. Frozen in dismay and paler than ever, he stared blankly in Dumbledore's twinkeling eyes. Once more, he had allowed panic to take control of his heart, logic was far gone from his mind. He bowed his head in recognition of his mistake and answered after having brought his head up again.  
"There are too many deatheaters or spys in the Ministry, Headmaster. I would not have gone very far." He curled his lip.  
"But most of all, my testimonny would not have been taken into account. And... I believe you have heard that my principal goal was to warn and protect... the targets." Dumbledore smiled at the very careful choice of words, but made no moove to interrupt the young man.  
"At least you would listen to all I had to say before...silencing me". Still Dumbledore said no word. He picked up the report and read the bottom part of it: a list of the deatheaters Snape knew of. For the newest ones, he was not sure to which extent they could be trusted to be on Voldemort's side. Some might be spys from the Ministry. And to that added the unknown sources the dard lord said he had in store. Or so he said. After his last discovery, Snape wondered now if that was a lie too. Voldemort did not tolarate one lying to him, wut was HE truthworthy?   
Dumbledore put the paper down.  
"I believe you Severus". Dumbledore said reassuringly.  
"Even after I betrayed my oath to the dark lord?" His tone was bitter, that too was painful to express. Dumbledore winced, but that was only a flash, next moment he was just as confident as before.  
"I am sure you did what you believed best. You are a man of word." Then he remained silent for some time.  
"I will warn them, but as you say, I cannot go through the Ministry. Hence..." He paused, pensive. Snape stiffened.  
" What had you planned for your future Severus?" The direct question took him aback.  
"I was ready to consider ANY...suggestion you would express." He had intended to amphasis on the word any, and sound calm and decided. But instead, his voice resounded desperate. Dumbledore had been sirious for a few minutes now, but if the helplessness of the young man before him struck him, he did not even flinch.  
"I tust you know your past actions were sirious and that..."  
"...cannot be refounded as I only have one unworthy life to offer." Snape finished, in a conclsive tone. Dumbledore looked him straight into the eyes.  
" True enough. And therefore, that matter should not be taken lightly."  
No, thought Snape, no one is supposed to choose his own punishment as it would be far too convenient...  
"This is nearly two o'clock. Have you eaten today, Severus?"  
"No, sir. I came straight here after this morning's meeting, after reading the list that is..."  
"Then go and fetch yourself something to eat from the kitchens..."  
"I know where to find them." He interrupted the Headmaster, meaning however nothing more than a will for efficiency.  
"Good. And , please come back tomorow morning."  
Snape stood up without a word, ready to leave. " I will follow your suggestions."  
Dumbledore's voice softened a bit, but his eyes were unplacable as he spoke.  
"Tell me you will be there tomorow at ten o'clock." Then he waited.  
Mesmerised by the eyes, moved by the voice, Snape acknowledged.   
"I will be there." Then he bowed his head.  
"I will see you tomorow then."  
"You are a man of word." Dumbledore's voice echoed in his head as he walked toward the door. He had no choice now but to come back, as to prove himself worthy of the old man's confidence, if nothing else. As he exited, he heard Dumbledore speak into his chimney  
"To the McKinnons, Kenbulrly road."  
  
To be continued 


	4. another

Chapter 4 , In chapter 3 Dumbledore went to warn threatened people, but was successful in making Severus promise to come back the following morning. Inbetween, Voldemort called his Deatheaters…  
  
  
One after the other, the Deatheater were disapparating from the meeting place. Lord Voldermort himself had gone with the night commando, off to the McKinnons.  
But on two opposite sides of the field, two black hooded figure remained. One of them had not made a single moove since the Dark Lord had called the meeting off, stiff and tense, looking far away the darkened land. The other had first made a move to follow the other and disapparate, but had seemed to think better of it, had wavered, and was now heading toward the contemplative Deatheater.   
Noticing the careful approach, the last turned abrubtly toward the intruder, fixing his powerful gaze on him.  
The newly recruited Deatheater, as he happened to be, stumbled backward and nearly felt, surprised by the intensity of contempt in the other's eyes.  
_Come to gloat about betraying your friends ?  
He was clasping his hands together, turning them, nervous.  
_ No, not at all, I don't want them to get hurt…I…  
And with a little more assurance.  
_I had no choice but put them on the list…anyone could have corrected it, had I not… And Our Lord does not like " mistakes " …of any kind….  
_No ? I would not have guessed.   
Severus Snape raised an eyebrow, which his opponent could not see, but one cannot take habits off so easily.  
_Anyway, James is strong enough to protect himself and his family, Sirius and Remus would help him too…They got wind from an " Anonymous Source " in the Ministry that The Dark Lord was after them and they plan to go in hiding… I warned them. I don't want them to get hurt.  
_ And You tell Me that, a loyal servant of Our Lord, I should tell Him.  
_No, please, no…I know why you were followig us around…and I DID help them, warn them…  
Somehow, Snape had managed to frighten him. He did not care about turning the other in anymore, like he would have done a few days ago. But one's pride still remain, and he clung to his former's beliefs to find an appropriate response.  
_ …I'm helping Lily…  
At those words, Snape decided himself suddenly, so swiftly he added, as though he had not heard the last few words.  
_ I could warn Our Lord… His voice trailed mockingly on the word, an imitation of the pompous tone the former Gryffondor had used a few moments ago.  
…of your failure…but… His voice raised as he paused, captivating the other's attention.  
I believe He would not forgive you This Time…You already failed on this subject didn't you ?  
He went on without letting time for any response.  
We CANNOT afford weakling amound Ourselves. I won't tell this time, but remember, one sign, just one, that you are not loyal…and I won't show mercy.  
_ I won't . I will…I will be loyal .Thank you… I…  
With a last look of dedain, Severus Rogue sent him away, and disapparated.   
London. He had promised Dumbledore he would come back in the morning, that left him a few hours to sleep.   
He entered the Leaking Cauldron, rented a room, and went to bed, trying to forget Pettigrew's tempting tones… " I know why you were following us around. …. "  
  
  
I had no time to write chapter 3 and I did not want to forget my ideas for chapter 4 , what do you think ? Please review. 


End file.
